Heart Flask

This stainless steel, 6 oz flask isn't the butchest thing you could be seen drinking your whiskey out of (for the record, that would be a freshly-killed buffalo skull), but it's ideal for your girl - remember, absolutely nothing says, "I love you so much more when I'm completely wasted" like a heart-shaped hip flask.

Wonder Woman make-up from MAC

Wonder Woman is a positive role model for ladies everywhere: she's smart, she's strong, she's cunning, and she can knock out an invading space-jerk with a single punch. Which is presumably why MAC has created a range of fun make-up accessories in her honor.

Aboutflowers.com

Aboutflowers.com has a useful section that helps you choose a bouquet that's tailored specifically to your girlfriend's personality, which is going to look a lot better than just the usual generic "valentine's bouquet" guys order online (hint: if you end up with a bunch of weeds and brambles, it's probably time to "have a little talk").

Love is Blind blindfold

When you're as hirsute and hefty as us, nothing says romance like granting your lover the gift of sightlessness. Let the soft silk of this hand-embroidered blindfold shield her eyes as you seduce her with dirty talk... and play video games. Hey, she'll never know!

Massage Candle

"Hey, baby, let's turn off our CFL, environment-friendly bulbs and light a candle. Oh, that's right, this is no normal candle. IT'S A MOTHER-F'N MASSAGE CANDLE." Instead of hot wax, drip and rub sensually steamy massage oil on your lady's bare body, unless you're into the wax thing. Hey, it's cool man. No judgments.

Spa Emergency

You goofed and forgot a gift, didn't you? No problem - hit up Spa Emergency and design your own custom spa gift certificate, good at one of their 3,000 affiliated locations across the country. You can instantly print or email it when you're done. Lazy boyfriend: 1, Valentine's Day Industrial Complex: 0.

Tunes for 2 Headphone Splitter

This one goes out to the guys who subscribe to the John Cusack school of thought: music is the ultimate way to say you care. With this headphone splitter, romance your girl by showing her one of your most personal spaces: your iPod. Just make sure she doesn't discover "The Thong Song" is your most listened to track.

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Cupcake Vineyards

Give 'em what they want this Valentines Day: Cupcake Vineyards Red Velvet. It is smooth, creamy, and delicious. A full bodied blend of Zinfandel, Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon. Live Deliciously.

Sweet Nothings Pendant Necklace

The gift of jewelry is often a cheesy and/or expensive endeavor. Here we find an exception to the rules: reasonably priced pendants with messages slightly more suggestive than the stuff of conversation hearts. We're fans of the endearing "Sweet tits". What says you care more than a NSFW message from the heart?

Bottle Opener Ring

Chocolates? Sweet but fleeting. Flowers? Dead in no time. Give the girl something she can use! Forever! With the bottle opener ring, she will have the superpower to open a cold one anytime anywhere.

Jawbone Jambox

Best way to stop your girlfriend from playing wake-up tunes out of her phone's crap-tastic speaker: get her the Jawbone Jambox, a rechargeable speaker that can amp up her tune-itude wirelessly via a Bluetooth connection. Two 1.25" drivers up front and a passive woofer in back pump out an impressive 85 decibels and work up to 40 feet away from her phone.

Bittersweets

Is your long term relationship, uhh, not going so well? Communicate your concerns non-verbally by leaving Bittersweets candy hearts atop her pillow or in her purse. Paypal shopping expert Claudia Lombana says that they're "perfectly suited to the dejected spirits who will spend the holiday wishing they were alone." Wowch.

Samsung DualView ST600

Look through the snapshots on your significant other's digicam memory card and you'll find that 90% of the shots are self-pix of you and her drinking. Half of you, anyway. Ensure you stay in the frame by giving her this 14.2 megapixel point + shoot with a 1.8" front side display in addition to the 3.5" one on back. Better profile pics for all!

V-Moda's Crossfade LP headphones

She hates the constant Call of Duty soundtrack in your apartment. But you're not gonna stop playing. Ever! So for V-Day get her these fancy cans, which boast 50mm drivers for big, bassy response, a kevlar cord that's nearly abuse-proof, and most importantly, enough cushy memory foam ear cup padding to ignore your gaming marathons.