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Dazed and Abused
Our dear, dear friend the Amazing Kreskin once told an office full of us in agonizing specificity that hypnosis is complete hogwash. Or malarkey. Or some other word popular during the Crusades. But when master hypnotist Asad Mecci offered us the privilege of his services, we were powerless to decline. And that was all the proof we needed.
The Dare: Submit to hypnosis amid your evilest coworkers
The Dared: Editorial clay pigeon Matt Christensen
The Darer(s): Matt's evilest coworkers
What deep-seated secrets, crippling fears, and suppressed childhood memories would we uncover? Who gives a shit—it's time to make this desk-humping day laborer dance like a drag queen!
Click here for bonus video of Matt as a jackass!
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Curdish Uprising
It takes a certain measure of childishness to accept most any dare. But it takes a mother and father of close blood relation to accept a dare to consume 128 ounces of whole milk in an hour while cruising Interstate 20 in a conversion van.
Yet there Maxim editorial paste-eaters Jon and Matt were, at the checkout line of a Sumter, SC, Walgreen's, gallons and Glad bags in hand. Amid our annual excuse to wheedle an expenses-paid vacation out of the third Great Maxim Road Trip contest, the two, clearly dazed off anal fumigants and pork fu, got the idea to challenge one another to this time-honored test. We got the idea to film it.
The Dare: Drink a gallon of whole milk in an hour without throwing up.
The Dared: Jon and Matt
The Darer(s): Thousands of you
It's like we always say/do here at Maxim HQ: If you're going to fail, fail spectacularly. After putting down nearly 100 ounces of Grade A cattle bräu, our cream-filled contestants put it right back out with the fury of a thousand ulcerated teats. Remember: There's no shame in failing to complete a dare, only the lower abdominal anguish of failing to complete this dare.
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Queasy Cheese
Never let your shrill, elephantine mouth write a check your naïve colon will inevitably struggle to cash.
So learned our video editor, Chris Phoenix, when he was forced to deliver on a claim that he could put down an entire can of aerosol cheese in one continuous nozzling. After trying to back off this bold assertion, he was finally badgered into doing the world’s longest cheese whippet before a throng of barfthirsty colleagues.
Beware: the dietary horrors contained in the video you are about to see may not be suitable for some viewers. Namely, anyone who’s ever ingested something orally.
The Dare: Consume an entire can of Easy Cheese® in one sitting.
The Dared: Chris
The Darer: Er…Chris (idiot)
Congratulations go to Chris who, after nearly drowning in a foamy torrent of sharp cheddar soft serve, successfully swallowed all eight streaming ounces of Kraft process cheese shake in a single sitting. The gastrointestinal atrocities that followed, while not our concern, were the pasteurized prepared cheese product on the cake. And for those of you at home considering copycat performances, rest assured that this does officially qualify as an Atkins-friendly dare.
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No Lutz, No Glory
Honor. Loyalty. The triple toe loop. In the shadow of war, an alternative definition of masculinity has emerged. And it’s fabulous!
Unpaid and unappreciated interns sifted, morning, noon, and part of the next morning, through hundreds of your myriad recommendations for how we should dehumanize ourselves. Distancing itself from the rest was one dare ripe for the current climate. During a time when duty has called upon our bravest men and women to spit warm, sticky gobbets of courage in the face of evil, you called upon one of Maxim’s finest to prance around our offices like a sexually ambiguous Canadian.
The Dare: Dress as a male figure skater for an entire workday.
The Dared: John
The Darer: Kevin P.
Kudos go to writer John Walsh, who, in his eternal quest to prove his male potency, never once considered conscientiously objecting to Kevin P.’s dare. For his effort, Mr. P. will receive a bunch of crap from atop John’s desk, while John will bask in the glory accorded to real men who refuse to back off a challenge…who step forward when duty calls…who flounce gaily in satiny, rhinestone-studded ice fatigues.
Semper Fey, mac. Semper Fey.
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Shot Sauce
We thought we had chosen a perfectly reasonable dare for Executive Editor Charles Coxe to perform. It didn’t involve plunger handles, sodomy, or even anuses at all (not initially, anyway). Most important, one of our thoughtful readers had gone to the trouble of submitting it, even requesting Charles specifically, and we certainly didn’t want to let him down.
So, you can imagine our disbelief when the gutless, invertebrate, penis-tucking sissy pants reneged on his editor’s oath and refused to perform his appointed dare.
The bricks were loosening beneath the Maxim empire. But just as we had begun losing faith in Western ideals, a hero emerged from our care-worn officescape to claim the bastard dare for his own. Creative Director Josh Turk agreed to consume a shot glass of Tabasco sauce then hold his breath for 20 seconds without ever once thinking of himself. That, of course, had catastrophic consequences for his colon—but colossal consequences for our amusement and, we hope, yours.
The Dare: Drink a shot glass of hot sauce, and, right afterward, hold your breath for 20 seconds.
The Dared: Josh, by way of vasectomy
The Darer: Brendan
From shot glass to charred ass, Josh successfully completed his dare, earning him the adulation and praise reserved for real men, while Brendan won a special prize from among the junk on Josh’s desk. Charles left work early for an Ob/Gyn appointment.
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The Huffin’ Spoonful
Overwhelmed by your very artful suggestions for how we should humiliate/debase/cause irreparable damage to ourselves, we now have for your insatiable amusement our latest completed dare.
And so, it was with an icy, yet admirable, disregard for the man’s welfare, that Jeremy R. from Staten Island, NY, challenged Editor-in-Chief Keith Blanchard to consume a teaspoonful of cinnamon. Think it’s easy? So did ace Senior Editor Eric Alt—till he tried half a dose himself. So far, his body is taking to the transplanted pig lung nicely. As for Keith, Jeremy will be happy to know that he forfeited a goodly share of his lower contents in the moments just following the video you’ll see here.
The Dare: “I bet you can’t swallow a teaspoon of cinnamon.”
The Dared: Keith
The Darer: Jeremy R.
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While the cinnamon didn’t remain in his system long, Keith did successfully complete his dare, earning him the respect of his many spineless minions, and Jeremy a special, cinnamon-dusted prize from among the junk on Keith’s desk. |
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Suck and Cover
We extended a halfhearted invitation to all our readers to challenge us to perform your most inventive dares. You responded with understandable vigor.
And, once we discarded those involving our anuses, saltines (come on, guys, we’re only emotionally on the high school level), and quantities of milk to make Kubrick cringe (yes, even now), we discovered that you guys really are creative. Take Mila, who challenged Executive Editor Gene Newman to give his boss, Roger Munford, a run-by hickey. You never know what you’re going to get from a tepid-tempered Brit, which is why Gene struck his target and then fled like an Irish republican.
The Dare: Give your boss a run-by hickey.
The Dared: Gene
The Darer: Mila D.
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Gene successfully completed his dare, yielding Roger a dime-sized falling out with his wife, and Mila a special prize from among the crap on Gene’s desk. |
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