|
|
Tune In
| Racing Ruminations |
Any hack columnist can predict the top five Checker Auto Shops 500 finishers. I predict the top five and the guy who will finish 17th!
|
SEASON
Top five: 51/165
17th: 1–33
|
| 1. Jimmie Johnson |
| 2. Kevin Harvick |
| 3. Denny Hamlin |
| 4. Tony Stewart |
| 5. Kyle Busch |
| 17. Kasey Kahne |
With TV ratings down in six of the eight Chase races this year, it’s clear the races aren’t compelling enough to get you to tune in. I’m sure you all have many reasons for not watching. Personally, I consider any race without Morgan Shepherd to be a waste of my time. But I finally found some reasons to watch. Hopefully they’ll inspire you to switch over between punts on Sunday.
Kurt Busch, drunk with his deputized power, ignores NASCAR officials waving caution flags, screaming “you must respect my authority!”
Jimmie Johnson forgets to trim his eyebrows before the races and the forehead hedges grow so long and thick, they blind him by lap 43.
Not to be outdone by Scott Riggs’ crew, Travis Kvapil’s jackman steals candy from a baby and stomps on a little old lady’s flower bed.
Michael Waltrip officially gives up on racing and becomes a full-time pitchman, exhorting his crew chief over the radio to stay at a Holiday Inn, rent his furniture from Aaron’s and eat more Whoppers.
NBC actually pretends to care about NASCAR when it shows more than 18 seconds of racing action between commercials. After the race, NBC producers apologize for the error. The latest Deal of No Deal promo wasn’t cued up in time.
|
The Powerless Five
THE POWERLESS FIVE
|
Sorry for the late update this week (and for missing out on making picks for last week’s race) but the incompetents at Time Warner Cable—the Morgan-McClure of internet providers—fucked up my internet all week. But Track Marks is back for the stretch run and ready rank the drivers who are almost as bad as Time Warner’s customer service.
|
|
Greg Biffle
|
5
|
—
|
|
I’ll let a loser Biffle fan boy—Les Toth—offer his retort this week “its not his fault for getting the chunky end of the stick when it comes to engines plus getting punted by slimeball robbie gordon batboy kurt busch etc” Maybe, but it is his fault for driving like a 6-year-old at the go-kart track for the first time.
|
|
|
 |
| Robby Gordon |
4 |
1 |
|
Don’t worry Robby, leaving debris all over the track after a crash isn’t a finable offense. If NASCAR fined for sucking, you’d be selling your plasma just to pay your tire budget.
|
|
|
 |
| Jeff Burton |
3 |
— |
|
All that talk of Burton’s championship was a bit premature. Even more premature than a high school sophomore losing his virginity to the prom queen.
|
|
|
 |
| Michael Waltrip |
2 |
2 |
|
Despite making five more starts, Waltrip trails Tony Raines by 93 points. By the end of the season, his brother might pass him in the standing without even running a race.
|
|
|
 |
| Scott Riggs’ Crew |
1 |
— |
|
Way to go tough guys. You beat up a girl. Nice one. Who are you going to fight next week? Kyle Busch? Kyle Busch’s mom?
|
|
|
|
Up in Smoke
| The Old System |
Think things would be better under the old points system? Think again.
|
| Name (Chase Rank) Back |
| 1. Matt Kenseth (1) Leader |
| 2. Jimmie Johnson (2) -78 |
| 3. Kevin Harvick (6) -415 |
| 4. Tony Stewart (11) -445 |
| 5. Denny Hamlin (3) -482 |
| 6. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (4) -506 |
| 7. Jeff Burton (5) -512 |
| 8. Jeff Gordon (7) -570 |
| 9. Kyle Busch (10) -595 |
| 10. Mark Martin (8) -620 |
If only Tony Stewart weren’t excluded from the Chase for the Championship, he might be actually trying hard to win in these last 10 races. It’s a pity that damn Chase drained the competitive fire from all the other drivers.
Wait…what’s that you say? Tony is trying? He’s got two wins and four top 10s in the last seven races? You must be mistaken. Tony’s not in the Chase. Why would he try to win?
Under any points system (other than possibly the Atkins diet), Tony would be completely out of championship contention. The old system punished drivers who sucked for the first 26 races just as much as the Chase does. Check the stats I got from our good friends at Sportsline.com, Tony is out of contention for a title in the old system too.
If you watched the season-ending races under the old system, there is no reason not to watch under the new system. You can cheer for a meaningless victory for your 15th-place driver regardless of the points system. That’s the beauty of NASCAR (well, that and the victory lane girls. NASCAR needs to bring back more victory lane girls and the ‘80s perms that came with them).
The difference now is that up to 10 drivers can still hope for a victory that might actually mean something. It’s not Kenseth vs. Johnson for the title. They both have to keep an eye on Hamlin, Earnhardt Jr. and Burton. (I’d also pay attention to Robby Gordon in case he tries to throw shit at your car).
Joe Nemechek can still win Sunday’s race. There is nothing stopping an irrelevant driver from winning. But now, 10 drivers have an extra incentive to win. And if you're still pissed off about the Chase, enjoy a few extra NASCAR-sponsoring beverages and get too buzzed to care. (Hey, it works for Rusty Wallace fans. Slurp down enough Miller Lite and rooting for Kurt Busch becomes almost tolerable).
|
Powerless Five
THE POWERLESS FIVE
|
Hello, fellow fans of the 11th crappiest sport in the world. Whatever you do, don’t think NASCAR can’t lose its treasured spot on that list. It takes serious effort to stay on Maxim's list. But don't worry, these drivers are putting their most incompetent foot forward to keep NASCAR in its rightful place.
|
|
Jamie McMurray
|
5
|
—
|
|
If I were Jack Roush, I would quarantine Matt Kenseth. “Suck” is apparently contagious and spreading around his race team. The same week that Greg Biffle recovered, McMurray caught the virus. (Don’t worry, Dave Ragan doesn’t have a virus. His “suck” is genetic so it can’t spread.)
|
|
|
 |
| Mark Martin |
4 |
— |
|
Next year, Mark is apparently going to drive a Ford in Truck races and a Chevy in Cup races. During the week, he’ll be piloting his Hoveround.
|
|
|
 |
| Kevin Harvick |
3 |
— |
|
When racing for a championship, practice is totally overrated. Just ask Kevin Harvick. He’s the Busch Series champ. And that’s all that really matters. Forget that Cup shit. Everyone remembers who won the Busch title. Right? Last year it was, you know…that guy…in the car…I think he might had hair and stuff. Yeah that’s the guy.
|
|
|
|
| Michael Waltrip |
2 |
1 |
|
I demand an extra inspection of Waltrip’s car. He had to cheat to finish 34th. There’s no way he can run clean and get 33rd.
|
|
|
|
| Robby Gordon |
1 |
— |
|
Stupid Robby. You should know better than to bring out a caution on purpose. Not even Dale Earnhardt Jr. can get away with that. And you’re no Dale Earnhardt. You aren’t even Teresa Earnhardt.
|
|
|
|
Flying Cars
| Racing Ruminations |
Any hack columnist can predict the top five Bass Pro Shops 500 finishers. I predict the top five and the guy who will finish 17th!
|
LAST WEEK
Top five: 2/5
17th: 0–1
|
SEASON
Top five: 50/160
17th: 1–32
|
| 1. Kasey Kahne |
| 2. Tony Stewart |
| 3. Carl Edwards |
| 4. Kyle Busch |
| 5. Mark Martin |
| 17. Ryan Newman |
You’ve got to give NASCAR officials credit: when they make a change, they make damn sure that everyone will hate it. First they gave us the HANS devices, then the Chase for the Championship and now it appears that the Car of Tomorrow is the next gimmick that everyone loves to hate. Reed Sorenson is the latest to express his displeasure with the design which will debut in 2007. (Personally, I was shocked when I heard about Reed’s comments. I didn’t know he had a tongue. I figured he was some sort of mute or something.)
Now, if the COT could get even Reed Sorenson to speak out against it, I figured it was worth my time to look into it. When I heard about the Car of Tomorrow, it figured it would, like, fly and do other future stuff. How could anyone hate flying race cars? That’s like hating rainbows and Snickers bars, you un-American ass clowns.
Then I learned the truth. The COT isn’t a super-cool flying future car. It sort of looks like a drift racer tried to supe up an ‘80s Mustang. It’s boxy yet pathetically trying to look sleek—sort of like that time my neighbor painted racing stripes on his Kia.
Color me disappointed and confused—what do we call the Car of Tomorrow on the day after the 2007 Bristol spring race? The Car of Yesterday? Yesterday’s Car of Tomorrow? This car might actually break the delicate balance between space and time. If there is a new type of car developed in 2020, is that the Car of The Day After Tomorrow?
So I implore NASCAR to stop the development of the Car of Tomorrow. The future is too important to risk it on the Car of Tomorrow. The Car of Tomorrow, like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future could erase the future. That’s just not worth the risk.
|
Powerless Five
THE POWERLESS FIVE
|
Taking a page from the college football teams in the SEC, Michael Waltrip apparently decided this week that if you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’. Unfortunately for Waltrip, he seems to have stolen a page from Vanderbilt’s playbook instead of from a much more successful bunch of cheaters like Alabama or Tennessee. |
|
|
Reed Sorenson
|
5
|
—
|
|
To Reed’s credit, he’s been making steady progress the last four weeks. Unfortunately building from a 43rd-place finish to 35th in Martinsville is sort of like going from living under the grate in a slaughterhouse to live in a unairconditioned apartment above a pet store in San Antonio during an August heat wave. Sure, it’s progress—but you still would rather be dead.
|
|
|
 |
| J.J. Yeley |
4 |
1 |
|
The good news is Yeley managed not to wreck any AARP members this week. The bad news? Well, he’s still drives like my grandmother.
|
|
|
|
| Jeff Burton |
3 |
— |
|
Hey, I use duct tape to hold my car together too. The only difference? My car is a 1999 Chevy S10 with 100,000 miles not a premium race car with the potential to hit 200 MPH. So my duct tape seems to work a little bit better (plus, chicks dig the duct tape.)
|
|
|
|
| Greg Biffle |
2 |
4 |
|
Greg Biffle must think he is trapped in a nightmare this season. He just keeps praying he will wake up soon. Of course, things won’t get much better when he wakes up next to crazy Nicole and their giant slobbering dogs.
|
|
|
|
| Michael Waltrip |
1 |
2 |
|
There’s no shame in cheating, Mikey. Just ask Jimmie Johnson. But we at the Powerless Five think you’ve missed the whole point of cheating: When you cheat you should finish better than 34th. Then again, when you are Michael Waltrip, the chance for a 34th-place finish is a good reason for cheating.
|
|
|
|
Roush to Judgement
After watching David Ragan hit just about everything but the pace car during Sunday’s Subway 500, a important question jumped into my head: Exactly how fucked is Roush Racing next year? Here’s a quick look at the lineup for Roush next year, from worst to best:
David Ragan, No. 6—Once he loses his automatic spot in the grid after the 10th race, he could challenge the 109th Congress for general incompetence (NASCAR analysis and political humor? Top that Daily Show!).
Jamie McMurray, No. 26—When Roush hired him, experts were quick to point out that Jamie was a great driver who was stuck in mediocre equipment at Ganassi. After watching him this season, can everyone finally just admit that Jamie is just a mediocre driver? I mean, there’s nothing really wrong with that. You can have a good life as a mediocre driver. Hell, Michael Waltrip is richer than 99 percent of all Americans and he’s a really shitty driver. So buck up, Jamie. Mediocre isn’t so bad.
Greg Biffle, No. 16—Next year can’t possibly be as bad as 2006 for Biff, right? By the Daytona 500, he should hopefully regain his balls after girlfriend Nicole Lunders chopped them off in her little pit tiff with Kurt Busch’s crew. At least if he sucks next year, he will suck with his manhood intact.
Carl Edwards, No. 99—Jack Roush needs to slap flippy boy down next year: No more commercials until you win a race. It seems like Carl is on TV more than fucking Jared from Subway.
Matt Kenseth, No. 17—Hot wife, possibly a second championship, all is good for the Cheesehead.
So how fucked is Roush? Well, Jack won’t be looking for Kurt Busch’s number for a reunion in ’08, but the days of his unstoppable superteam just might be over. For all the panic in ’05 that Roush was going to rule the sport forever, it looks like ’05 might have just been a lucky break of great young drivers and perfect equipment. In reality, Roush’s five teams will range from great (Kenseth) to Ken Schrader-like (whoever is driving the No. 6 by next October.)
|
Fantasy Report
| Racing Ruminations |
Any hack columnist can predict the top five Subway 500 finishers. I predict the top five and the guy who will finish 17th!
|
LAST WEEK
Top five: 3/5
17th: 0–1
|
SEASON
Top five: 48/155
17th: 1–31
|
| 1. Kevin Harvick |
| 2. Dale Earnhardt Jr. |
| 3. Tony Stewart |
| 4. Jeff Burton |
| 5. Jeff Gordon |
| 17. Matt Kenseth |
Before you set your fantasy lineup for this week’s race, I’ve got some last-minute fantasy advice for you. Want to know what third tier driver is going to finish in the top 10? I got nothing. But I do have a glimpse into the creepy stuff that a NASCAR fan envisions while watching his or her favorite driver. I crank up my mind-reading device to show you the thoughts and fantasys of select fans:
Kasey Kahne—Oh, Kasey. You’re so dreamy. I want to get lost in the sea of your eyes and swim in your beauty. Can I touch your hair? (The really scary part? This was the mind of a dude.)
Jeff Gordon—Hey, pass me another wine spritzer. Do you think Jeff can beat the race this week? How do you like these new shoes? I got them on sale last weekend. Has the race started yet? What? It’s Monday? Well, I am sure Jeff won yesterday then.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.—Whoooo! Junior! Greatest driver ever! All the other drivers SUCK! Hendrick Motorsports drivers are all GAY! Whooooo! Huh? What? No Mom, I’ll clean my room later! I’ll do my homework after the race! Mom, please? Come on. It’s not fair!
Jeff Green—… … … (What do you really think there are any Jeff Green fans?)
Mark Martin—Down in front! Damn kids keeping jumping up in front of me when I am trying to watch the race. These new fans don’t even know what a track bar is. I wish they would run races at South Boston. That was a real track. Not like these boring new tracks like New Hampshire. What? No, Nurse. It is NOT time for my nap, damnit!
|
On-Ward to Victory
It made so much sense, it’s actually shocking that Morgan-McClure did it. The No. 4 car’s five remaining fans (Hi, Alan!) have suffered through a lot in the two years since Ward Burton last ran a race—Mike Wallace, P.J. Jones, John Andretti, Todd Bodine (TWICE!) and Scott Wimmer.
The whole time, the answer to the team’s struggle might have been waiting in Southside Virginia (OK, maybe not the answer, but at least a chance for respectability). Now that Ward Burton is back behind the wheel there are two major questions: What took so long? And how the hell did Morgan-McClure become the smart team? Based on previous No. 4 history, I figured Brent Sherman was a shoo-in for the team in 2007.
Instead, the team goes out and totally redeems itself. I have to assume that other teams tried to contact Burton but were stymied by his accent which resembles what I would think a retarded, drunk circus clown sounds like if his mouth were stuffed full of gum. Burton has to travel with three U.N.-trained interpreters just to pass on information to his spotters.
Of course, since this is Morgan-McClure, Burton will wreck on the first lap in Martinsville and be replaced before the next race, but for now, all is well. Welcome back, Ward.
| | |