When I'm on a plane, how come I always have to turn my iPod off during takeoff and landing?
Kyle Bradcock, Flint, MI
Try having a conversation on your cell phone while standing right next to a radio. That terrible screeching feedback you’re hearing? That’s the noise that can get in a pilot’s headset if you leave any kind of electronic gadget on. Once the plane is in the air, the captain removes his headset, puts the plane on autopilot, knocks back a few whiskeys, and challenges a stewardess or two to a “tickle fight”—which frees you up to enjoy that Panic at the Disco album. Is the plane going to crash if you don’t turn your iPod off? Probably not. But as Southwest Airlines flight operations coordinator Dave Edens says: “Quite frankly, would you like to take that chance?” We never leave the house without a parachute; so don’t tempt us, Dave.
How many megapixels are in the human eye?
Max Pearlwitz, San Antonio, TX
Prepare to have way too much brainpower unleashed on your boring-ass question, Max. Intellectual Ventures founder and CEO Dr. Nathan Myhrvold—a stone-cold genius who’s worked alongside Stephen Hawking researching quantum field theory in curved space-time—tells us that “the human eye is built like a digital scanner, which scans a small sensor over a large scene.” Need a translation? Basically, your peepers have an impressive resolution of 324 to 576 megapixels, if they’re given a chance to focus for more than an instant. (A decent digital camera has between nine and 12 megapixels.) But as the good doctor notes, that’s not even close to the ocular awesomeness of raptorial birds like the all-American bald eagle, whose eyes can see 1,296 megapixels. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
My dad won’t buy anything that isn’t touted in Consumer Reports. Why?
Vernon J. Trammel, Santa Fe, NM
“When a man gets older, he’s been more influenced by feminine sensibility,” says psychiatrist Paul Dobransky. “Feminine instinct is to conserve, preserve, and promote financial safety.” So while a young buck like yourself seeks sex with as many women as possible, your beaten-down dad subverts his testosterone-drenched will in order to take care of his kids, pay his mortgage, and, yes, buy stuff that might not look badass but won’t break. “You could say the most pimp guy doesn’t read Consumer Reports,” Dobransky says, “but the richest one with the most babies does…in private.”
Can I really register my hands as lethal weapons?
Billy Martin, Yonkers, NY
Not a chance, tough guy. In 1997 a Minnesota court decided that the left fist of a former pro boxer was a “deadly weapon.” But that ruling was summarily dismissed by a higher, less mentally challenged court. And that case is the closest you’ll ever come to the myth of “registering” anything other than a gun, a car, or a sex offender. But that doesn’t mean extensive training in martial arts or boxing can’t get you in trouble with the law. A Minnesota jury in 1988 convicted a boxer of aggravated assault—a charge usually restricted to gun or knife attacks—as the jury found his knowledge of pugilism probably helped him beat his victim to a faceless pulp. Your in-depth understanding of crocheting? That’s probably not going to add any years to your sentence.