Pittsburgh Pirates
Pittsburgh is located hundreds of miles from any major seaport. So it would take mighty determined pirates to schlep so far inland for their raping and pillaging. But who knows? Maybe there was once a band of "Pittsburgh pirates," named not so much for being nautical criminals but rather for smelling like rum and fish tanks.
Suggested New Name: The Pittsburgh Spot Welders

Memphis Grizzlies
According to the North American Bear Center: "Today...of the remaining grizzly bears in North America...about 30,000 live in Alaska, and about 22,000 live in British Columbia and Alberta. Five subpopulations remain in Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, and Washington." See? None anywhere near Tennessee.
Suggested New Name: The Memphis Presleys

Boston Bruins
See: Memphis Grizzlies. The only brown bears (for which "bruin" is a nickname) anywhere near Boston are a few hairy construction workers from Southie who get a little "handsy" after a few beers. But we feel for the B's, because after the New England Patriots and Boston Celtics, where the hell do you have to go?
Suggested New Name: The Boston Stranglers

Los Angeles Dodgers
Back in Brooklyn, you see, they had trolleys. And people who avoided getting hit by them became known, affectionately, as "trolley dodgers." It's quaint, it's fitting, and it gives the team a sense of community. Too bad the only things people dodge in L.A. are paparazzi, stable relationships, and food digestion. What is it about L.A. that just gets everything wrong? (Don't answer, it's rhetorical).
Suggested New Name: The Los Angeles Congestion

San Francisco Giants
A city populated largely by activist vegetarian Web designers don't have the right to call anything of theirs "giant."
Suggested New Name: The San Francisco Sensitivity