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The 12 Greatest Video Games to Play on the Toilet
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GAMES
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Forget bran flakes and that old copy of People magazine. Bust out these 12 portable games when you need to make a long, smooth move.
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 12. Tekken: Dark Resurrection (PSP)
The best portable fighting game ever makes for quick, satisfying matches. And it makes for quick, satisfying dumps. Who knew that kicking a big panda around for 30 seconds could be more effective than a bushel of cabbage and a handful of Crap-Be-Gone pills?
Recommended Dose: Six or seven matches will be more than enough to get your Hershey's Kisses queued up and ready for departure.
 11. Advance Wars: Days of Ruin (DS)
The only thing that will be "ruined" is your Fruit of the Looms, should you play this game without a working toilet within a 10-foot radius of you.
Recommended Dose: Four to five back-and-forth turns against the A.I. will cause your innards to rumble like a runaway log truck careening down Wizard Sleeve Canyon. Aiiiieeeeeeee!
10. Trauma Center: Under the Knife (DS)
Our highly scientific studies show that using the DS stylus to perform fake operations on annoying patients somehow results in a 62 percent uptick in poop output.
Recommended Dose: Even if you ate an entire bag of old dried-out beef jerky last night—beef jerky that expired during the Roosevelt administration—a single in-game operation is all it should take for you to finish your business.
 9. Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords (DS/PSP)
We realize it's nothing more than Bejeweled crossed with a fairly pedestrian role-play game. And yet, there's something magical about Puzzle Quest. Something that makes us want to play it. All the time. Which includes during our tail-growing sessions.
Recommended Dose: A couple of quickie puzzle battles should be enough to get all the evil out of you.
 8. Peggle (iPod)
Sure this game looks all cutesy on the outside. But beneath that Technicolor exterior beats the heart of a beast that's far more addictive than crack. One common trait that we've noticed among our favorite toilet games is that they tend to involve clearing out something. And yes, clearing away the orange pegs in each level of Peggle is the equivalent of clearing out your colon. Plus, we've taken to nicknaming those cute little turds that get stuck in our ass hairs "peggles." Example: "My you're a tenacious little peggle! Why, you brown scoundrel, it took two extra wipes to disengage you from our backside. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Recommended Dose: One medium-difficulty stage in Quick Play is all you should need.
 7. Geometry Wars: Galaxies (DS)
This riff on the old Astroids formula is dandy on the DS, with tons of levels to unlock, and a little upgradeable drone that functions as your sidekick. Trust us, your rectum will be doing its best imitation of Munch's The Scream when you bring this cart into the can with you.
Recommended Dose: Once you lose all your ships, grab the handle and send your spawn back to hell.
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