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 The only thing more disgusting than listening to old white men talk is listening to old white men talk about sex. And thanks to the verbiage used in college hoops, the CBS commentators have been spewing the type of randy language usually reserved for Wednesday nights on Fox. As we head toward the Final Four, and three straight Nantz-Packer games, here are the well worn basketball phrases that will have us scrambling for the mute button.
Take it to the hole
Dribble penetration
Skilled ballhandler
Stroke it from deep
Double team the post
Around the rim
Backdoor cut
Put a body on your man
Pound it inside
Backcourt violation
Loose ball scramble
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Remember that doctored Powerade commercial with LeBron James effortlessly draining jumpers from 90 feet away? Well, apparently Kevin Love has no need for your silly trick cameras. Click below for video of Love showing off his unlimited range in an off-day practice session.
The lesson here? Kevin Love drinks more Powerade than LeBron James.
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 Ok we get it: Tyler Hansbrough is incredible. The man is averaging over 23 points and 10 rebounds this season, and he’s a leading candidate for Player of the Year. If he comes back for a senior year, he will break every significant Carolina offensive record. However, if you listen to Jay Bilas, Tyler Hansbrough has the possibility to not only be the greatest college basketball player of all time, but also to possibly end the genocide in Darfur, travel through time, and lift huge boulders off of trapped hikers. A few nuggets of wisdom from the venerable college basketball analyst:
Bilas says: “Tyler Hansbrough’s heart exceeds his skill set, and his skill set is considerable.”
We say: For a man with a law degree from Duke University, you’d think Bilas could find a way to vary his blandishments; unfortunately, for anyone who’s been watching the tournament, you know that Bilas has uttered this exact, annoying phrase at least a dozen times since Selection Sunday.
Bilas says: “Hansbrough is never going to be out-worked. I played against Michael Jordan, and believe me, Jordan could not out-work Hansbrough.”
We say: Michael Jordan? Surely you jest! We’re talking about the man who used to fistfight his teammates in Chicago because he demanded so much effort and perfection from them. Not to mention he’s the greatest basketball player who has ever lived.
Bilas says: “Sometimes we just don’t do justice to how skilled this big man is, because all we ever discuss is his effort.”
We say: No, we think Hansbrough’s doing fine on the superlatives. He’s already had his number retired by UNC (keep in mind he’s still playing), he’s racking up Player of the Year Awards and he’s heading the All-American Team for the third straight year. We’re pretty sure he’s not getting the short end of the compliments stick.
Bilas says: “Tyler Hansbrough has agreed to supply nine different hospitals with sections of his enormous heart to use for transplants. With his enormous cardiac capacity, Hansbrough will save the lives of nine very fortunate children, while still retaining enough of his heart to carry North Carolina to possibly its best single season performance ever. He won’t miss even a quarter of playing time, either. That is how much heart he has.”
We say: Ok, we’re making this one up, but seriously, Bilas, enough with the worship!
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It’s possible Davidson guard Stephen Curry might already be the NCAA’s Most Outstanding Player—and we’re only halfway through the tournament. Curry’s averaged over 34 points over three games so far, an offensive output unheard of since Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson averaged slightly more than 36 in 1994. He’s making the other supposed stars out there look pedestrian in comparison. Let’s compare:
-- Tyler Hansbrough has averaged just under 19 points, 1.3 assists, and 8.3 rebounds.
-- Kevin Love is averaging just under 23 points, 11 rebounds, and 5 blocks.
-- Derrick Rose, star guard for Memphis, has scored 20 points a game, dished out 5 assists and grabbed 6 rebounds.
-- Stephen Curry has averaged 34 points, 3.6 assists and 3 rebounds.
Even Lebron James is an enthusiastic witness to Curry’s brilliance. Versus Big Ten Champ Wisconsin, Curry brought King James to his feet, arms raised in the air, when he torched the Badgers for yet another three late in the second half. Flattering? Try transcendent. Said the cool Curry, “It’s very cool for him to be here.”
Speaking of “witnesses,” someone left a box full of red t-shirts in Davidson’s hotel room this weekend. They read WITNESS on the front, and DAVIDSON on the back.
Keep an eye on Stephen Curry (our new man crush!) tonight as he takes on Kansas.
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 As the US government scrambles to save the economy from a severe recession, we here at Maxim have, once again, devised a plan to save America: cancel the NCAA Tournament. No, not forever—just for a few years, until we get inflation and credit problems under control again. After all, it is reported that the US economy now loses over $1.7 billion in productivity every March and April
Rather than entertaining the masses for three weeks, here are a few examples of how we could put our basketball assets to work:
--Send Tyler Hansbrough to single-handedly rebuild New Orleans
--Promote the use of Dick Vitale as a renewable energy resource
--Send Coach K and his Dark Army of Blue Devils to find Osama Bin Laden
--Appoint Digger Phelps as Secretary of Color Coordination for the Homeless
--Elect Stephen Curry Honorary President
--Hand over all interrogation duties at Guantanamo Bay to Bobby Knight
--Order Robin Lopez to contribute to, and head, the Locks for Life Campaign
--Allow Billy Packer to make official apologies to the rest of the world for slavery, the Trail of Tears, the atomic bomb and the production of the movie Norbit.
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