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 We’ve been wondering what the teams who don't make the NCAA Tournament do to pass the time in March and early April. The answer has come in the form of one Stanley Pringle, point guard for Penn State. The University’s student newspaper reports that Pringle has been charged with public masturbation—in the school’s library. Pringle has denied the charges. But according to the paper:
“Police said [Pringle] sat behind a woman in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with her and then began masturbating...The Nittany Lion guard is being charged with open lewdness and disorderly conduct....”
While we applaud Pringle’s seemingly scholarly aspirations—he was, after all, in the library—we do not condone involving innocent bystanders in such unorthodox study techniques. And couldn’t Pringle’s time be better spent in other pursuits? Penn State finished 15-16, 7-11 in the Big Ten. Seems like he's confused about which ball-handling skills need work.
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As the tourney's four No. 1 seeds prepare for the biggest night of their lives, let us too prepare. Not only for the glory and adulation owed the victors, but also the crushing, hopes-flattening despair due the losers. Those of you with a team still in the tourney, note in the following photos of previously dashed tourney dreams the complete loss of will, spirit, and motivation to live on. The rest of you, practice pointing and laughing at the first people.
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The college head coach is a very powerful man. Where in the pros it’s all about the athletes and their syringes, the college game is about teaching young student-athletes life lessons through sport. Here is a sampling of the fine men molding, and possibly beating, our young ones into accomplished, upstanding citizens.
Roy Williams, head coach, University of North Carolina
What a gesture of class and loyalty, standing up for the players, students, and fans of Kansas. Too bad he left them for Carolina before Bonnie Bernstein could take out her earpiece.
Bob Knight, head coach, ESPNU
It’s all on display here: the basketball knowledge, the demand for effort from his young players, and the ability to go batshit crazy out of nowhere and put the fear of god into the surrounding film crew.
John Chaney, former head coach, Temple University
You want to show your kids that you are willing to fight and scrap all the way to the championship. Or at least all the way to the opposing team’s post-game press conference.
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![tony-and-mike[1].jpg](http://embed.maxim.com/25501-26000/25724/tony-and-mike[1].jpg) What could be worse than having your collective Cinderella hearts broken in the Elite Eight by traditional power Kansas? If you’re this year’s giant-slayer, Davidson, it’s having the gentlemen of ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption mock your loss with a cruel April Fool’s Joke. Today, early-evening couch potatoes were treated to sports debaters Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser presenting a March Madness shock: Kansas and Davidson will replay the final 16 seconds of Sunday's game because of a scoring mistake that allowed a Kansas player to keep playing after he had already fouled out.
Wilbon quipped, "Now we see a situation where the mid-major is treated fairly." Kornheiser heartily argued with him for a bit, then revealed that the entire affair was a practical joke.
In the real game, Davidson fought a see-saw battle with Kansas for 40 minutes, before failing in the final seconds to find a decent shot to tie or win the game. Now they have the Bald Ones at PTI taunting them with a second chance at glory. Way to kick Davidson while their down, guys. What do you have planned for tomorrow? A day full of Britney Spears' fat jokes?
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The college mascot is the embodiment of all that a university stands for. It's a symbol of strength, of spirit, and, in many cases, of Third-World athletic department budgets. But, hey, that's the greatest strength of the Tourney, right? It's an open tent. Team No. 300 has the same shot at a championship as team No. 1. But in its willingness to invite the Martin Lawrences of college basketball alongside its Will Smiths, there's invariably going to be some hurtful laughter. Presenting Big Momma's Mascots 2008...
The Stanford Tree
Seriously? A frigging tree? No wonder everybody hates the Ivy League.
South Paw, the South Alabama Jaguar
Apparently, on the way to the tourney, the Jags decided to pick up a mascot at The Salvation Army. |
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 The only thing more disgusting than listening to old white men talk is listening to old white men talk about sex. And thanks to the verbiage used in college hoops, the CBS commentators have been spewing the type of randy language usually reserved for Wednesday nights on Fox. As we head toward the Final Four, and three straight Nantz-Packer games, here are the well worn basketball phrases that will have us scrambling for the mute button.
Take it to the hole
Dribble penetration
Skilled ballhandler
Stroke it from deep
Double team the post
Around the rim
Backdoor cut
Put a body on your man
Pound it inside
Backcourt violation
Loose ball scramble
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