 Ashley*, 27, was well into a steamy encounter with her boyfriend recently when he began whispering in her ear, a sure way to get her hot he knew from experience. “At first it was the usual stuff: how hot I am, how my body’s amazing,” she describes. All good. Then he decided to dive into one of his fantasies.
Jim: “Oh, baby, I wish there was someone watching us.”
Ashley: “Oh, God, yes! Yes…”
Jim: “Mmm, yeah, I wish it was your sister .”
Ashley: “Oh, ye—wait. What?”
Talking dirty in bed is one of the best ways to turn ordinary sex kinky and wild. But it’s clearly a lot tougher to pull off than it might seem. When a slew of filth is tumbling out of your mouth, it’s easy to say things that are embarrassing, offensive, or just plain weird. (“I want to see you with another woman—and a donkey!” is probably not going to be well received, even if that’s honestly what you’re thinking.) Plus, everyone’s comfort level is different. Words that turn one person on can turn another’s stomach—a lesson just as many women have learned in the heat of the moment as men.
There are so many dirty talk pitfalls, in fact, you might be tempted to swear it off altogether. But if my research is any indication, the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks. You just have to know when to open your mouth in bed and when to keep it busy with something else.
The Allure of Lip Service
Most women have no trouble ooh-ing and aah-ing during sex, but we weren’t exactly brought up to curse like sailors. So for a lot of us, bringing filthy words into the bedroom feels extra naughty—and exhilarating. “I remember the first time I heard myself say, ‘Fuck me,’ in bed,” says Andrea, 29. “It felt incredibly sexy and powerful. Before then I’d been scared to say all the crazy things running through my mind during sex. But now it’s like I have Tourette’s.”
Of course, dirty talk doesn’t consist strictly of four-letter words. One of the greatest things about it is the variety of deliciously nasty things you’ll hear, from the standard curses to sexual commands to descriptions of bodily functions and detailed fantasies. And there’s a seemingly endless list of helpful verbs—“lick,” “suck,” “bite,” “smack,” “rub,” “squeeze,” “grab”—that in other contexts might be totally innocent, but in bed take on a whole new meaning.
For most, the real appeal isn’t just that “bad words” are flying around the room, but the idea we’re losing control—so mindlessly, freakishly into the sex we’re having, we could give a shit what’s proper. Some of us get to the point where we don’t even realize what’s coming out of our mouths. “My boyfriend once told me with a look of horror that I’d called him ‘daddy’ repeatedly the night before,” says Heather, 32. “I was like, ‘I said what? Really?’ I definitely don’t have any weird father issues or anything. I just don’t even think about what I’m saying when we have sex. It’s like I’m possessed. All I care about is being raunchy.” And the next morning? Most of us go back to being the sweet girls next door you first fell for.
When Foot Meets Mouth
Before you go breaking out the hardcore language, know there are limits to what’s acceptable. For example, not a lot of women are cool being referred to as your “dirty slut.” (Though a few definitely get off on it.) In fact, it’s safe to say that “slut,” “bitch,” and “whore,” are all words you should let her introduce first.
That said, don’t try too hard to be polite, either. “Pussy” is the gold standard when referring to a woman’s anatomy, and most girls agree even the C-word is preferable to the clinical-sounding “vagina.” We want this to feel like wild, horny sex, not a visit to the gynecologist. Above the belt, feel free to refer to her “breasts” or “tits,” but never use “boobs,” “boobies,” or, God forbid, “titties.” Euphemisms are also pretty corny, especially if they’re used in a misguided effort to be romantic. “I once had a guy tell me, ‘I want to lick your beautiful flower,’” says Erin, 28. “It was the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard—I didn’t know whether to be more embarrassed for him or for myself.”
Another cringe inducer: lifting porn dialogue. Some girls have even tested it out themselves—with disastrous results. “The first time I tried talking dirty, I stole a porn phrase and asked the guy if I was ‘tight enough’ for him,” says Lindsay, 30. “When he didn’t respond, I asked again, till finally he mumbled, ‘Uh, yeah.’ The whole exchange was so uncomfortable.” Guys’ worst offense when it comes to porn theft? The weirdly impersonal use of “that,” as in, “suck that dick.” We know it’s attached to you—go ahead and refer to it as yours.
Sometimes dirty talk backfires because it’s just totally bizarre. Emily, 26, says, “This one guy I was seeing had really huge balls | | |