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F**k These Oscar Winners	MOVIES
If the Academy Awards are the pillar of excellence they claim to be, how come so many hacks, frauds, and idiots walk away with a golden dildo?

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Kevin Costner
Credit the Academy: It takes a set of gold ones to stand up before millions and proclaim Kevin Costner and his Hallmark Movie of the Week Dances With Wolves superior to Martin Scorsese and his cute little IMMORTAL CLASSIC Goodfellas. And awarding Marty a half-assed statue for The Departed 16 years later didn't make up for it either. Not when he had to suffer the indignity of watching Crash Davis take what was rightfully his.

Ordinary People
Speaking of Marty, in 1981 the Academy also gave Best Picture to this, Robert Redford's melodramatic footnote, over Raging Bull. Pussiest. Decade. Ever.

Julia Roberts
Great performances are suppose to convince you that the actor you're watching is actually someone else (unless it's Jack Nicholson). But Julia Roberts was Julia Roberts for two hours, and everyone ate it up. Replace the cancer kids with Laura San Giacomo smoking pole for rent money and you basically have Pretty Woman.

Tatum O'Neal
Know why the youngest winner of an Academy Award was so convincing as Ryan O'Neal's daughter in Paper Moon? BECAUSE SHE IS RYAN O'NEAL'S DAUGHTER. Meanwhile, The Exorcist's Linda Blair had to bang herself with a crucifix to get nominated in the same category.

Kramer vs. Kramer
Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep play a couple that gets divorced and…zzzzzzzz… Huh? Oh, and the son is all whiny and…zzzzzzzz… OK, so boring movies are like catnip to the Academy, but calling this two-hour therapy session a better movie than Apocalypse Now is like performing "order in the court" on the bridge of cinema's nose.

Halle Berry
Passing off someone who looks like Berry as a trailer park waitress with a 300-pound kid is like those movies in which the "pizza delivery person" is a nymphomaniac blonde with double-D toppings. She's too hot for a normal human, let alone a sad-sack loser in a Cinemax movie. Otherwise, she wouldn't have followed it up with the double-barrel suckage of Gothika and Catwoman.

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck
They're "Academy Award–Winning Screenwriters." How'da ya like them apples?

Marisa Tomei
It's hard for any comedy to get recognized by the Academy, so when someone wins Best Supporting Actress for one, it must be gangbusters, right? It couldn't have been, say, a one-note, one-joke performance alongside another one-note, one-joke performance in a one-joke movie. Marisa's adorable and all, but her role in My Cousin Vinny could have been played by any number of interchangeable Saturday Night Live cast members on their worst day.

Little Miss Sunshine
How could the Academy Award for Best Screenplay go to a movie that steals its plot centerpiece from National Lampoon's Vacation? Hell, Vacation even did the "drive around with a geriatric corpse" scenario better, if only for Rusty's immortal line: "It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find Aunt Edna—all he has to do is look for the buzzards." This "award-winning" script can boast no such greatness.

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[1/9/2009]