Dump These First-Half Fantasy Duds

Nobody—not the jihadists, not Christie Brinkley—hates as hard and as cold as a scorned fantasy-sports owner. These are the much-touted guys who oughta watch their backs after the disappointing first halves they've had this season.

C: Jason Varitek, Boston Red Sox
Red Sox fans love this fella almost as much as they love bandwagon-hopping and pink replica baseball caps. They’ve let this adoration blind them to the obvious: that Varitek, the stoic, square-headed champion of Yankee-extermination, is losing more runs with his bat than he’s saving with his grunty guidance of the club’s pitching staff.
Guys who have been better: Kurt Suzuki, Chris Iannetta

1B: Paul Konerko, Chicago White Sox
One might liken the speed of his decline to the death of a cell phone battery once the “warning” light starts blinking: One minute he was there, and the next he wasn’t.
Guys who have been better: Carlos Delgado, Kevin Millar

2B: Robinson Cano, New York Yankees
They give awards in baseball for everything: Gold Gloves to players ([cough] Jim Edmonds! [cough]) who make routine plays look superheroic, Cy Youngs to pitchers whose gaudy win totals impress ancient sportswriters with thickets of ear hair, etc. Why not a formal honorarium for Cano and his compadres—Eric Gagne, Miguel Cabrera, Andruw Jones—who haven’t deigned to give a shit in 2008? Maybe name the award after a legendary hack like Dave Kingman?
Guys who have been better: , Ray Durham

3B: Chone Figgins, Los Angeles Angels of Ventura Boulevard
We don’t expect much in the way of power numbers from top-of-the-order runts, but Figgins boasts a mere nine extra-base hits in 258 plate appearances. For those keeping track at home, that’s only two more (in 101 additional plate appearances!) than the perennial worst hitter in baseball Brad Ausmus. Chone’s 16 stolen bases and 31 runs clock in way below his career averages as well, and the, uh, creative spelling of his first name still prompts many an out-of-town broadcaster to rhyme it with “scone.”
Guys who have been better: Pedro Feliz, Aubrey “Not Audrey” Huff

SS: Derek Jeter, New York Yankees
As good as he’s been in the past, the Lord of the Intangibles is on pace for career lows in slugging and on-base percentages. We’re not saying he’s done—sooner or later, some of those ground balls have to find a hole—but in 2008, Jeter's been useful only in those fantasy leagues that award points for sideburn maintenance and Biel-boinking.
Guys who have been better: Jhonny Peralta, Cristian Guzman

OF: Chris Young, Arizona Diamondbacks
With everyone expecting filet mignon, Young's been serving scrod: 13 homers and 46 RBIs at the All-Star break, well off his 2008 pace. Want more unfortunate food analogies? Young strikes out once every four at bats and has more or less stopped running—the baseball equivalent of garnishing that scrod with lima beans and a side of gluten-free fettuccine, washing it all down with a warm Coors Light. Dessert? Carrot sorbet.
Guys who have been better: David Murphy (yes, we realize his home park might have a little something to do with this), Mark DeRosa

DH: Travis Hafner, Cleveland Indians
We can hear it already: “But he done did got hurt! He did done got hurt!” Bah. Hafner sucked even more fiercely in his 180 healthy plate appearances (44 of which ended with “strike three, suckwad!”) than he did in his sucky second half of 2007. On the plus side, his head remains as round and dense as one of Jupiter’s moons.
Guys who have been better: Jason Kubel

SP: Erik Bedard, Seattle Mariners
Someday, this erstwhile ace might throw 200 innings in a single season, begging his manager to let him finish every game he starts and treating his teammates with something akin to professional respect. And someday, mankind might form a functional conga line.
Guys who have been better: Jair Jurrjens, Jorge Campillo (how obscure is he? Yahoo! doesn’t even have a head shot)

RP: Jason Isringhausen, St. Louis Cardinals
He was a very, very good pitcher for a very long time, which is what makes his Wickmanesque/neo-Borowskian coda so much harder to watch. Farewell, sweet Izzy. May your many vowels provide you lasting comfort in your later years.
Guys who have been better: Salomon Torres, Masa Kobayashi