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 At last we arrive to what should be the NCAA’s final arbitrary idiocy of this year’s tournament. Check out this ad from Hooters below. By any reasonable advertising standards, it’s pretty tame. Granted, there’s a great smile, shiny skin and a sexy grip on that basketball—and the girl is pretty hot, too—but there’s nothing in this picture any worse than the short shorts and bikini tops dance teams and cheerleaders are wearing in the Final Four. The NCAA, however, has deemed it inappropriate, and banned it from the official Tournament Program. Said Hooters VP Mike McNeil:
“My understanding is the NCAA had stated they would only consider the ad if we removed the image of a Hooters Girl, which is absurd. That would be like telling General Motors you can advertise but don't show a picture of a car…Sara is a beautiful, intelligent and hard working employee, and we would never consider removing her image from the ad. I am concerned by this last-minute and seemingly arbitrary treatment. The basketball tournament is an important time for our business, and the fact that certain competitors of ours are allowed to advertise and we are not puts us at a competitive disadvantage.”
You mean people don't go to Hooters for the loud, bald, aging jerkoffs? Huh...
PS: Sara's last name is Hoots…seriously.
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 According to Billy Packer—the curmudgeon of college basketball commentators—Hillary Clinton does not have much of a chance with female voters. Apparently, Billy Packer, PhD., recently discovered this tidbit after conducting his own poll of women on the street. Combining elements of the Jay Leno's “Jay-Walking," and what must be innate statistical and political savvy, CBS reports that Packer walked up to 123 random adult females on the street and asked them if they were planning to vote for Hillary Clinton in the upcoming election. Apparently, only three women were frightened enough of the hobgoblin, er, elder statesman of college basketball to run away. Those who stayed offered only six affirmative votes for the similarly-frightening Clinton.
Ever since he realized women could, indeed, work as ticket-takers at men's basketball games, Billy's been a champion of gender equity. What's next after canvassing women voters? Demanding their right to own property? What a prince!
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 We’ve been wondering what the teams who don't make the NCAA Tournament do to pass the time in March and early April. The answer has come in the form of one Stanley Pringle, point guard for Penn State. The University’s student newspaper reports that Pringle has been charged with public masturbation—in the school’s library. Pringle has denied the charges. But according to the paper:
“Police said [Pringle] sat behind a woman in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with her and then began masturbating...The Nittany Lion guard is being charged with open lewdness and disorderly conduct....”
While we applaud Pringle’s seemingly scholarly aspirations—he was, after all, in the library—we do not condone involving innocent bystanders in such unorthodox study techniques. And couldn’t Pringle’s time be better spent in other pursuits? Penn State finished 15-16, 7-11 in the Big Ten. Seems like he's confused about which ball-handling skills need work.
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 Ok we get it: Tyler Hansbrough is incredible. The man is averaging over 23 points and 10 rebounds this season, and he’s a leading candidate for Player of the Year. If he comes back for a senior year, he will break every significant Carolina offensive record. However, if you listen to Jay Bilas, Tyler Hansbrough has the possibility to not only be the greatest college basketball player of all time, but also to possibly end the genocide in Darfur, travel through time, and lift huge boulders off of trapped hikers. A few nuggets of wisdom from the venerable college basketball analyst:
Bilas says: “Tyler Hansbrough’s heart exceeds his skill set, and his skill set is considerable.”
We say: For a man with a law degree from Duke University, you’d think Bilas could find a way to vary his blandishments; unfortunately, for anyone who’s been watching the tournament, you know that Bilas has uttered this exact, annoying phrase at least a dozen times since Selection Sunday.
Bilas says: “Hansbrough is never going to be out-worked. I played against Michael Jordan, and believe me, Jordan could not out-work Hansbrough.”
We say: Michael Jordan? Surely you jest! We’re talking about the man who used to fistfight his teammates in Chicago because he demanded so much effort and perfection from them. Not to mention he’s the greatest basketball player who has ever lived.
Bilas says: “Sometimes we just don’t do justice to how skilled this big man is, because all we ever discuss is his effort.”
We say: No, we think Hansbrough’s doing fine on the superlatives. He’s already had his number retired by UNC (keep in mind he’s still playing), he’s racking up Player of the Year Awards and he’s heading the All-American Team for the third straight year. We’re pretty sure he’s not getting the short end of the compliments stick.
Bilas says: “Tyler Hansbrough has agreed to supply nine different hospitals with sections of his enormous heart to use for transplants. With his enormous cardiac capacity, Hansbrough will save the lives of nine very fortunate children, while still retaining enough of his heart to carry North Carolina to possibly its best single season performance ever. He won’t miss even a quarter of playing time, either. That is how much heart he has.”
We say: Ok, we’re making this one up, but seriously, Bilas, enough with the worship!
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It’s possible Davidson guard Stephen Curry might already be the NCAA’s Most Outstanding Player—and we’re only halfway through the tournament. Curry’s averaged over 34 points over three games so far, an offensive output unheard of since Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson averaged slightly more than 36 in 1994. He’s making the other supposed stars out there look pedestrian in comparison. Let’s compare:
-- Tyler Hansbrough has averaged just under 19 points, 1.3 assists, and 8.3 rebounds.
-- Kevin Love is averaging just under 23 points, 11 rebounds, and 5 blocks.
-- Derrick Rose, star guard for Memphis, has scored 20 points a game, dished out 5 assists and grabbed 6 rebounds.
-- Stephen Curry has averaged 34 points, 3.6 assists and 3 rebounds.
Even Lebron James is an enthusiastic witness to Curry’s brilliance. Versus Big Ten Champ Wisconsin, Curry brought King James to his feet, arms raised in the air, when he torched the Badgers for yet another three late in the second half. Flattering? Try transcendent. Said the cool Curry, “It’s very cool for him to be here.”
Speaking of “witnesses,” someone left a box full of red t-shirts in Davidson’s hotel room this weekend. They read WITNESS on the front, and DAVIDSON on the back.
Keep an eye on Stephen Curry (our new man crush!) tonight as he takes on Kansas.
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 As the US government scrambles to save the economy from a severe recession, we here at Maxim have, once again, devised a plan to save America: cancel the NCAA Tournament. No, not forever—just for a few years, until we get inflation and credit problems under control again. After all, it is reported that the US economy now loses over $1.7 billion in productivity every March and April
Rather than entertaining the masses for three weeks, here are a few examples of how we could put our basketball assets to work:
--Send Tyler Hansbrough to single-handedly rebuild New Orleans
--Promote the use of Dick Vitale as a renewable energy resource
--Send Coach K and his Dark Army of Blue Devils to find Osama Bin Laden
--Appoint Digger Phelps as Secretary of Color Coordination for the Homeless
--Elect Stephen Curry Honorary President
--Hand over all interrogation duties at Guantanamo Bay to Bobby Knight
--Order Robin Lopez to contribute to, and head, the Locks for Life Campaign
--Allow Billy Packer to make official apologies to the rest of the world for slavery, the Trail of Tears, the atomic bomb and the production of the movie Norbit.
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If you’re like us, you didn’t have Davidson winning in the Sweet 16. In fact, if you’re like us, most of your picks aren’t working out. That said, we’re ditching all forms of scientific research and stats and picking the Final Four teams based on what really matters: attractiveness!
 Texas vs. Memphis
Yes, the Longhorns wear chaps when they cheer. It’s like what you wish Brokeback Mountain would have been. Memphis may have made it through Conference USA on their mediocre looks, but now they’re playing with the big boys.
Winner: Texas
UCLA vs. Xavier
If cheerleaders decided things, the Bruins would be the No. overall 1 seed, not Carolina. On the other side, Xavier's cheerleaders look exactly like what they are: chicks from Cincinnati.
Winner: UCLA
North Carolina vs. Louisville
The Tar Heels are disqualified for their obnoxious use of that pansy blue. The Cardinals underachieve as well, but their girls win points for overcoming their Midwestern handicap. They all have teeth!
Winner: Louisville
Davidson vs. Kansas
On the court, the Wildcats have been absolutely incredible. Fortunately for them, their cheerleaders are some Cinderellas of their own. Kansas, well...they’re good farm stock. Ready for harvest!
Winner: Davidson
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 The Davidson Wildcats are now in the Elite Eight. At a school with just over 1,700 students, that’s kind of a big deal. And the student body knows it. Here are just a few of the perks of being a student, player or—shit, even their janitors have it good these days!
- Last Sunday, Davidson, Davidson College, Davidson University, and Davidson Wildcats were four of the 11 most-searched terms on Google.
- Since Davidson beat Georgetown, their admissions office has had a 1,200 percent increase in transfer inquiries.
- One Wildcat received over 1,800 friend requests on Facebook this week.
- The college paid for 350 students to take seven buses to the Wildcats’ Sweet 16 Game (and watch it).
- REM acknowledged the Wildcat’s existence—and the fact that they can play ball!—on their website.
- The average daily sales at the Davidson College Bookstore before Sunday, March 23 were a meager $1,700. Sales on Wednesday, March 26 (the first day "Sweet 16" T-shirts were available): $35,000.
- The general public might actually be able to point out the school's location on a map. Actually, that's not true. We thought they were in Ohio until we Googled them, thus contributing to the first item on this list.
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In real-life, lots of things are dependent on the amount of money you have, like success, happiness and prettiness. The more money in the bank, the more of those other things you’ll have. We know, it’s a harsh reality that they don’t teach in schools and only some are willing to accept. For our amusement, the people at PayScale acknowledged this fun fact!
Click the image below to see how their bracket turned out if the winners were based on the median salary of its graduates. Please note the hilarious upset between 16-seed UT Arlington and 1-seed Memphis. This is what sports is all about, baby!
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