Ron Artest? Michael Vick? Meh. They've got nothing on baseball's lowliest cretins.
5. Pete Rose
An obvious choice, owing to his years of swearing he didn't gamble on baseball… then admitting his misdeeds... then capitalizing on the controversy by selling a book and signing "I'm sorry I bet on baseball" tchotchkes. He drew a 30-day suspension for shoving an ump, spent five months in the pen for tax evasion, ignored his son for years, you name it. No, Rose didn't deserve to be portrayed by Tom Sizemore in the ESPN biopic about his troubles—that's a fate nobody deserves—but in retrospect, only the "hustler" part of his Charlie Hustle persona was truly didactic. On the plus side, he cut a mean Aqua Velva promo.
4. The 1986 New York Mets
It's a rare group of non-felons that can inspire a book titled The
Bad Guys Won! A Season of Brawling, Boozing, Bimbo-chasing, and
Championship Baseball with Straw, Doc, Mookie, Nails, The Kid, and the
Rest of the 1986 Mets, the Rowdiest Team Ever to Put on a New York
Uniform—and Maybe the Best.
Dwight Gooden (drugs, booze) and Darryl Strawberry (drugs, booze, tax
evasion, spousal assault) snorted away careers bound for immortality,
and evidence suggests they were among the lesser offenders; Shea's
clubhouse served as breeding ground for scumbags-in-training like Kevin
Mitchell (reported father-puncher, possible unrepentant cat-killer)
and Lenny Dykstra (massive reported steroid abuse, drunken car crash
that seriously injured a teammate). As great as they were in 1986, the
Mets should've been a dynasty.
3. Ty Cobb
Ty Cobb hated black people—that is, he really, really
hated them. Apparently every black person in Detroit had it in for
poor, sweet Ty, so he had to slash a hotel guard to bits (for which he
paid a $100 fine) and hurl a chambermaid down the stairs for objecting
to his use of a demeaning epithet. He routinely slid with his spikes
groin-high and may or may not have been nudged into retirement
following allegations of game-fixing. Hell, even his teammates hated
him, tormenting him to the point at which he slept with a gun under his
pillow and sought refuge in an asylum. See, kids—you don't have to
indulge in illicit substances to be a scumbag. Just say no.
2. Babe Ruth
Watching
YES Network's "Yankeeography," you'd think The Babe's greatest vice was
warm, smiley kindness toward every child he met. Examine the historical
record closer, however, and you'll find he was, in no particular order:
a media hog, a whoremonger, a drunk, a slob, a greedy prick, and the
poster boy for cardiovascular anti-fitness. He missed much of the 1925
season with a "stomach ache"—newspaper shorthand for syphilis—swung at
umpires and hecklers alike, and rarely answered for his actions. We're
trying to contrive a modern-day equivalent—maybe a combination of Mike
Tyson and Jose Canseco, but with John Daly's ability to inhale 12 hot
dogs in a sitting?
1. Billy Martin
As
a player, he was considered one of the game's toughest middle
infielders, one who made the most of his limited ability. As a human
being, the reports aren't quite as glowing. There's a famous photo of
Martin, mid-tussle, landing a knee to the groin of St. Louis' Clint
Courtney. Later, as a manager, he beat up Twins hurler Dave Boswell and
traveling secretary Howard Fox; alternately referred to Boston's Bill
Lee as "the lady" and "the fag"; and drank, punched, and cursed his way
out of something like 37 stints as Yankees manager, beating up a
marshmallow salesman (!) in Minneapolis and barely surviving a beating
at an Arlington strip club. To nobody's great surprise, he died in a
car accident, stone drunk.