|
|
|
|
Granted, most of these anthropomorphic beasts don't have actual genitalia. But if they did, their forced merriment would earn them a solid unrepentant fist to the loins.  5. Chorizo (Milwaukee Brewers)
We're OK with the Hot Dog, the Italian and Polish Sausages, and the Bratwurst. But suiting up the multilingual Chorizo in a sombrero and forcing him/her/it, likely under threat of deportation, to do the Mexican Hat Dance? The Brewers might as well add a yarmulke-wearing Brisket and Afroed Drumstick to the competition.
 4. Raymond (Tampa Bay Rays)
This "seadog" merits a beating for his blog's exclamation point abuse alone. But his in-game shenanigans are so lifeless and scripted, you'd think the guy in the suit was just a between-jobs actor forced to take this gig to support the kid he sired with the chick who played the preacher's daughter in the St. Pete Playhouse production of Footloose LIVE. No?
 3. David Eckstein (Toronto Blue Jays)
Wait,
he actually plays in the games? You don't say. For all the talk about
the effort Eckstein exerts, the energy he exudes, and the hope he gives
to future generations of runt-bag jocks, we assumed he was either a
stuffed animal or media-manufactured fodder for old, nostalgic white
fans.
 2. Screech (Washington Nationals)
We get it: Washington, D.C., is ground zero for American ideals, so an eagle makes sense. Yet the Nats have constructed an elaborate backstory
around him involving the discovery of an egg at the stadium site and
the fight to keep it away from local conservationists. That's the kind
of prank the jihadists would pull.
 1. Wally the Green Monster (Boston Red Sox)
As promotions-department-fabricated legend has it, this cheap Grimace knockoff
has been residing inside the Green Monster since 1947, subsisting on a
diet of discarded peanut shells and weeping silently whenever Manny
Ramirez unleashes a torrent of urine on his foot during pitching
changes. |
|
|
|
|
|
|